Ok, I despise myself for being on it. Facebook in your forties is torturous in the extreme.

Apparently, it’s not used to find out “what’s doin’?”; rather it’s used to announce that you recently finished the latest Jodie Piccoult novel and it was really quite good and you also had dinner with your hubby at a cute little Italian place in Knox, which was lovely. Dare I say it? OMG.

For the sake of my marriage and the forbearance of my prolifically-FB-utilising offspring, I will vent now and then forever hold my peace. ..Maybe.  Probably not.

Ahem…I don’t want to see 45-second blurry videos of your small child being inarticulate or behaving just like any other small child. I don’t. I would, however, like to see your child explain Euclidean quantum gravity or say something genuinely amusing such as Good Friday is the day Jesus was ‘chrismasfied’. That was funny.

I don’t want to know that you aren’t happy with a 25km bike ride as measured on your Runkeeper app—ever. I realise this probably annoys me more than it should because I’m not sharing the endorphin rush, and the only thing I could comparably post is that I enjoyed an amble around Albert park lake, but your regular personal fitness updates are just not interesting.

Your dog. I get that you love your dog. I loved my dog too. Happily for all of us, we get to witness the daily metamorphosis of your puppy to full grown…oh hang on, we are still in the puppy phase, still a puppy, a bit bigger, looks almost full grown…wait…just another 90 days or so until he’s a year old…ENOUGH ALREADY!

Selfies. That’s what they’re called. Your face filling the screen with some unrelated descriptor such as Summer in St Kilda or the ever reliable Random shot. Spare us and just sit in front of the mirror for a couple of hours. Please.

Of course Selfies are slightly less tedious than the endless albums of vaguely-themed images posted by young women wearing small clothes. These images have a variety of special effects to enhance their appeal and the women all feature in a series of slightly varying stylised poses. Now, five or so snaps of your halcyon days posted occasionally will potentially serve an archival purpose; however, 105 almost identical shots requiring tagging and individual commentary is just a monumental waste of time. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, learn Spanish, get a dog… (see paragraph four).

Look, I realise I’m all piss and vinegar here, but honestly, are we in need of such constant validation that we believe status updates about needing coffee, getting hair extensions or sitting by your pool are worth sharing? I’m not sure if the world’s less exciting folk understand that simply posting banal personal observations still makes them…well, dull. Fortunately, amongst the terminally insipid FB Friends, there a few gems—fabulously interesting people. People who are doing things we all want to read about and see pictures of. People who perform or direct or volunteer overseas; people who read widely and share worthy information; people who discover new music and feel compelled to educate the FB brigade. To those people (and you know who you are), I say thank you. To the rest of you, I say lift your game!